Feeling Frustrated? How to Have Good Arguments in a Relationship
Contribution by Enzo Somosi, Psychologist Melbourne
When you argue often, and the arguments always end in frustration, these methods (that you would likely learn at couples counselling) can help you get back on track. Think of a healthy relationship like a healthy house. At its foundation is friendship, which is protected by walls made of commitment and trust. But sometimes, things happen that can tear down the walls and ultimately erode the house's foundation.
If your house is in a state of disrepair, you are not alone! Learning to “talk it out better” in marriage counselling can stop problems escalating and help you rediscover that solid foundation.
Unresolved Arguments
Do you ever feel that your arguments often revolve around the same old issues? For example: “He wants to get married, and I don't", "They want more sex than I do", "She always ignores me when we are with our friends.” Does any of this sound familiar? Research that carried out on peopAbout 69% of arguments are recurring arguments and most conflicts are never resolved (Gottman and Gottman, 2016).
Does Arguing Mean You Have a Dysfunctional Relationship?
No. It means that you may be struggling to communicate (and also, that it might be worthwhile to seek support from couples counselling). Gottman and Gottman (2016), have found that it’s not the arguments themselves that are the issues, but rather it is how you are arguing that might make all the difference. What is dysfunctional in relationship conflict is often an escalation of negativity within the conflict itself. A couple’s propensity to engage in an escalation of negativity is highly predictive of future breakups (Gottman & Gottman, 2016).
How to Argue Better with Your Partner
One key to easing the stress in your relationship is to argue better. This means reassessing the way you approach problems and how you communicate your needs and feelings. For many relationships, the escalation of negativity is triggered by four key behaviours, known as The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse (Gottman and Gottman, 2016). Relationship counselling or marriage counselling can help you identify these behaviours and provide you with steps to change the way you communicate with your partner. Learn more about CBT and DBT in Melbourne and Hobart.
The Four Horsemen are as follows:
Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt.
It is likely that at some stage, you have engaged in one, if not all, of these behaviors in your relationships. However, when these behaviours become the norm in a relationship, they tend to contribute to an escalation in negativity. Fortunately, through studying couples in relationship counselling, Gottman and Gottman (2016) have worked to discover “antidotes” to each of these behaviours. Below, we will go into more depth about each of the Four Horsemen and discuss their associated “antidote”. Through studying couples in marriage counselling and couples counselling, Gottman and Gottman helped 1000’s of couples
1. Criticism – How to Stop Criticising During Arguments
We can all be critical from time to time. Gottman and Gottman (2016) define Criticism as "stating one's complaints as a defect in one's partner's personality, that is, giving the partner negative trait attributions." This might come across as an everyday complaint: "You always talk about yourself," "You always take too long," or "You play too many video games."
Try This Instead: Gentle Start-Up
Gentle Start-up is a communication skill where one states their feelings with an ‘I statement’ and then expresses their (positive) need. A good formula for The Gentle Start-up is as follows: I feel… About… I need…
Instead of: You never help with the kids!
Try: I feel overwhelmed by all the stuff I have to do. I need to feel more supported with the kids.
Instead of: You always talk about yourself!
Try: I feel disconnected and lonely about the fact that I feel as though I can’t talk as much. I need us to engage in more equal discussions.
Instead of: You always take too long!
Try: I feel frustrated when we’re running late because of delays. I need us to plan ahead better or leave earlier.
2. Defensiveness - How to Stop Being Defensive During Arguments
Coming up often in marriage counselling, Gottman and Gottman (2016) describe Defensiveness as: “Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood”. An example of defensiveness is: "You’re making a big deal out of nothing." "Oh, so it’s my fault? What about the mess you left in the kitchen?”
Try This Instead: Accept Responsibility for the Problem
The idea is to acknowledge the issue, take accountability and shift the focus towards working as a team.
Instead of: You’re making a big deal out of nothing!
Try: I can see this is important to you, and I want to understand why it’s upsetting. Let’s talk about it.
Instead of: Oh, so it’s my fault? What about the mess you left in the kitchen!?
Try: You’re right, I didn’t clean the bathroom I can see how frustrating that is. Maybe we can figure out a system to keep things tidy together.
3. Stonewalling - How to Stop Stonewalling in an Argument
Frequently identified in couples counselling, Stonewalling arises when one of the members of the argument emotionally withdraws and stops giving their usual nonverbal signs of listening. You might see closed body language like arms crossed, their focus shift outside of the room and little-to-no verbal response.
Try This Instead: Engage in Self-Soothing to Stay Emotionally Connected and Present
The idea is to work out ways to engage in adaptive self-soothing activities so you are able to remain an engaged member in the discussion.
Instead of: Looking off into the corner and thinking about what you’ll have for dinner.
Try: Taking three deep breaths and continue with the discussion.
Instead of: Looking through your phone to see if people have replied or responded to something.
Try: Sensory grounding with a fabric you enjoy the feeling of.
Instead of: Being silent.
Try: Having a cup of tea, or ice water “OK, let’s take a minute. I’m going to make tea, I’d like to hear what you think when it’s ready “.
4. Contempt - How to Keep Contempt out of Arguments
Of all the four horsemen identified in relationship counselling, Contempt is the single biggest predictor of future breakup (Gottman and Gottman, 2016). Contempt can be subtle and difficult to detect. Contempt is when one partner talks to another from a position of relative superiority. For example, “You are such an idiot”, "You are such a baby", "Sure, like you would ever follow up with anything.”
Try This Instead: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect within the Relationship
Instead of: You are such an idiot!
Try: I feel overwhelmed at the moment and it might be impacting how I view our relationship. Can we have a discussion about what we need?
Instead of: Sure, like you would ever follow up with anything!
Try: I feel hurt and frustrated by how challenging this situation is. Can we work it out together?
What to Remember Next Time You Argue with Your Partner
Arguments are a normal function of intimacy and it is how you argue that really matters. Discuss The Four Horsemen with your partner, as they are the biggest predictors of future breakups (Gottman and Gottman, 2016). Practice the antidotes to each Four Horsemen and remember that this takes time to master! Keep calm (if you can). Have The Four Horsemen on top of your mind while discussing the issue. Reach out to a couples therapist who through marriage counselling or relationship counselling, can help diagnose and treat underlying relationship difficulties.
You are not alone! If you are struggeling in your relationship, seek professional support with one of our practitioners.
Please contact Clarity Health Care here for guidance on booking an appointment with one of our mental health clinicians.
Research overview: https://www.gottman.com/about/research/
The Four Horsemen: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
The Antidotes: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/